Review: Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

Review: Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters

"This ain't no fairy tale," claims the trailer for Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. In fact, this ain't no...well, anything other than a pointless burst of noise.

The action-packed update of the classic children's story lacks enough laughs to be a tongue-in-cheek comedy, while the horror isn't scary and the fantasy is dull and overly familiar.

Yet at the same time, there's something strangely enjoyable about Witch Hunters. Perhaps it's the fact that Oscar season is winding down and this mindless piece of senseless escapism is the perfect antidote to all those excessively serious motion pictures (see: Lincoln, Zero Dark Thirty). Thanks to enthusiastically charismatic performances from Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, the movie is entertaining enough to capture our attentions for its swift running time, even if the plot is so simple you'll forget everything about it an hour later.

The film kicks off with a prologue detailing the events of Hansel and Gretel's childhood, in which they of course encounter a witch in the woods and, rather than become her dinner, team up and kill her instead. Ever wonder what happened after that? Me neither, but director Tommy Wirkola seemingly did, so we flash forward fifteen years and catch up with the duo as they travel the country eliminating witches as they go. Their latest job sees them on the hunt for a group of missing children, and before long they are caught up in a deeper plot regarding their mysterious past and a violent witch who will stop at nothing to achieve immortality.

For a movie executive produced by the comedic legends that are Adam McKay and Will Ferrell, there is a severe lack of belly laughs; there are a couple of humorous one-liners, but one has to wonder whether or not Witch Hunters was originally conceived as a parody of fantasy epics (much as Anchorman is a parody of the cut-throat world of newsroom journalism) rather than this bland, by the numbers adventure.

How is it bland? We've seen it all before. Movies like Van Helsing, The Brothers Grimm and Season Of The Witch have paved the way for something much more exciting than this, but Witch Hunters just feels like the sum of every witch/vampire hunting movie cliche both with its dialogue and plot. Some examples: "Well, that's new," quips Jeremy Renner as his enemy whips out a gun bigger than his own. Later, we are given clue after clue as to the dark secret regarding the siblings' parents, to the point where we've figured it out long before the characters themselves. Duh!

Some of the special effects are laughable too, as the witches hardly look menacing and the prosthetics for the fantasy creatures barely even rival those of the first Harry Potter movie (which was released 12 years ago, by the way). 

On the plus side though, we have entertaining performances from the lead duo, Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton but at the same time it's a shame that both have been reduced to starring in this guff. Still, they handle the admittedly exciting action scenes really well and have decent comic timing for the very few funny moments, but this seems like the kind of film which would suit the likes of Kate Beckinsale (failing franchise expert) and Jason Statham (hit and miss extraordinaire) rather than a cast member of the 3rd highest grossing movie of all time (The Avengers) and an award winning British superstar.

 Summary

Instantly forgettable and horribly contrived, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters misses its mark on almost every level. Despite its two lead actors giving it their all, the movie fails to entertain comedy, horror or fantasy fans alike. Had it had more focus on one particular genre (a fantasy parody would have been much more entertaining, especially with Will Ferrell on production duties), the movie could have been saved but unfortunately it is just too much like everything we've seen before. Judging by its conclusion, there is hope that a franchise may grow from this effort, but it looks as though that particular fairy tale will not have a happy ending.

3/10 - Bad

See it if you liked: Van Helsing (2004), Clash Of The Titans (2010), Season Of The Witch (2011)